I Never Said Good Luck so You Could Come Back & Have it Tried on Me!

A broken heart has a wound that nothing heals.
Just leave it to the healing hands of Time!

Is there anything that’s entirely hidden in today’s era? It’s quite hard to say 'no' while denying reality. Lately I’ve seen a friend going restlessly blaring. I've figured things aren’t going well with her. Anyone could have noticed that, it’s obvious. 

It’s becoming a trend in this age that we don’t hold things back; we don’t ask for permission; we don’t wait. Maybe we’ll apologize later. All we want is to first jump in. We have developed an emotion that drives our breath so restless to throw up anything out of our mouths. 

It’s quite funny, yet it is just how it is – this is happening and maybe we’ll have to leave with it. In relationship especially, when it is broken the next moment both or one of the partners become the wisest person ever, teaching all that wonderful stuffs in social media. Staying up restless, posting one shit after another keeps the person busy till daybreak with an anticipation that someone would fill up that vacuum within.  

My friend used to be a very content person; I’ve known her for a long time. We’ve been good friends then to love doves since a long way back. She never knew a single thing about social media, though she was a young girl of my age. She used to tell me Facebook wasn’t good for young people. She talks different about those of us who were on social media, which sometimes put me off to at an extensive level of guilt for using it. But, to be honest I liked her for it too. 

She was different from us, very matured and rare. I feared much of talking unnecessarily with her as she always put me off too. Jokes were never part of her life. She never had any ambition for fun and entertainment. But now, it’s a whole different story for her. She’s gotten so famous at the very place she never liked before. Now she speaks all the wise-man wisdom, bible quotes alongside with even filths spilled out from the same mouth with restless uploads of blares and blares. Should I call that self-pity or should I say she’s become an over-night motivational speaker? What else will I call her when she goes silent again after getting served?  

           

Sometimes weirdest moments strike when you least expect them to or even not at all. You don’t anticipate a slightest wedge of an incursion into your life during a fine day, do you? I left all the books that explain thirsts. It’s Friday of course the weekend falls and I’m totally lost in its enchanting beauties. My entire attention’s on the juicy water melon. It pours out the liquid of its soggy substance that quenches the thirst of my whole body. Drunkards say “never mind the bottle. As long as it gets you drunk.” That sound’s Sweet, right! I wouldn’t care much. The crowd wasn’t my concern. I’m a happy-go-lucky guy at this place without knowing how it will ever get there.

It’s typical being like this at this place – Waigani market, the place you always feel like you don’t care about anything. It’s overcrowded almost every day and noisy and smelly all together at once, yet we still like it here; or should I say I like it here. I don’t have good manners too while finding myself at waigani market. People say you should be descent; eat right and at right places. Well, to be honest I forget all that courtesy lectures. I don’t desire to tell anybody to become like me but,  I do feel sometimes that I’m another witless goat feeding arbitrarily on just anything laid squarely across those dirty wetly shelves. As long as my uncaring consumption manners never trouble me, I prefer it the best place.

Well, let’s cut that crap of dirty-beauty stuffs about waigani market for now. I’m there at this place doing my normal stuffs. Like I said it’s Friday afternoon and I’m very busy. I never knew I would meet the most feared person in my whole life here. I had a strange feeling running through my nerves and it bothered me very much. It exerted a massive pressure on my blood that got me impatient. I have no idea if the sixth sense works this way it was a very strong feeling. A sturdy radiance of a tailing from a far hooked up with my spirit. Did this happen by some sort of coincidence, or had someone been following me? Spinning around to see who it was had me placed to a great regret – I shouldn’t have done that; I shouldn’t have turned around. 

What my eyes saw reminded me of a million stuffs that I buried a few years back, and that I promised never to look again. I looked away at the same instant as I realized who had been watching me all along. I then started to act as if I never saw anything. I wished nobody ever saw me too. I just didn’t want any trouble. My movements switched. I stopped eating and pretended to be a gentle man. Little 50^t for sliced cucumber went in trade for a plastic bag and now I started collecting lettuces, onions, ginger and other stuffs that I didn’t even have in my shopping list. I wanted to pretend I’m busy shopping and to escape through it.

Unfortunately however, I never knew I was the target; I mean I wouldn’t have known. Sliding sideways through to the exit was a failed attempt. My hasty moves must have been obviously noticed. This nerve-wracking person was already there. My tiny world’s on a massive shake as she’s closing in gently with her eyes tacked hard on me. I never wanted it to be real. My pulse rose and I could hear the rustling crashes of my fretful heart beating so fast.  I thought I was hallucinating, yet it continued to keep my pulse impatient. I kept whispering to myself that it wasn’t real. No wonder this happened – as she was my ex-girlfriend. I wished I was Doctor Strange to have performed magic to create an escape portal right where I stood and disappear through it. To my misfortune it wasn’t possible. I just waited tensely to be knocked down with reality.

     

I have feared so much that I would meet my ex-girlfriend someday. Some say your first-love is your love forever others say your first-love is your best teacher ever, yet others say it’s just a game doesn’t matter who’s the first or second or who comes and goes. But to me, I don’t know much. Loving the one I never knew wasn’t mine had always been an awful nightmare to me it hurts every day. I blame myself very much for letting her go too. I know I did nothing that pushed her away. It was entirely her decision, yet I regret to some extent. I could have tried a hundred times more. Or, could have I gone to her home begging for her stay, perhaps five times extra.

Sitting on my knees twice in front of her family members at her home only left me in shame and crushed. I just can’t picture that moment again in my mind now. It disappointments me and bring me through to a lot of setbacks. Putting together the better moments we had and those we could have had together keeps me awake until daybreak. I sometimes wish I’d never been in that relationship. No one fought with me for me. All those in that house watched me teasingly as I may have looked stupid and senseless. Of course I now feel that is a stupidest thing I ever did back then though; I never cared what people would say about my actions, as long as I wanted her so much. Sitting on my knees at her home with merely tears seemed nothing.

I have no idea how this moment transpired at waigani market though. I don’t know too if she mastered my escape lucks or should I perhaps say the nature wasn’t on my side. This time I couldn’t do what I always do to avoid seeing her. She was already standing next to me whispering a soft ‘Hi’ into my ears. It didn’t take long enough. All that happened years back were brought back from graves. I remembered that evening when a smooth tap of “Hi” knocked on my messenger from a beautiful girl. Back then she was an angel, a light in my dark. You could see those oily linings on her face that emits a scrumtrelesent shine clearly. It was barely heard to find a single wring on her glossy look. My cold heart gets so warm every time I’m with her. The magnitude of salient lightning she radiates through that charisma on her face plunges my heart forever to a serene surface.

She gets so prettier when she expresses anger and even beyond when she is happy. My lullabies had always been those angelic reverberations captivatingly gripped in her voice to flow through thick and thin for her love for me. There had never been a single day in our calendar with rain or sun; or neither had we have time nor space between us. Never could I go hungry or tired while sitting next to her. This life had me seeing us together as an exemplary couple years ahead, raising kids, involving in business standing side by side, worshiping the Lord together and living a happy life forever. Now all that people say about regret has become reality. Dreams have been shattered as reality took over! How have I brought this fantasy to myself?    

Seeing her again at waigani market laid a solid touch on the wounds that I managed so hard to keep unspoken. I hardly figured what’s gotten into her; nobody ever told me, not even today. I have asked myself hundreds of question to see if I could indicate a possible thing that could have been the reason. Was it because I was poor and didn’t have any parents? Or, because I couldn’t buy her any presents on her birthdays? I understood very well of differences in our statuses. She was better than me in just everything, she knew that better too! But, she knocked and knocked until she’s finally allowed in. When I denied being in relationship with her, she persisted. She used to tell me I was just the kind of person she ever wanted to be with. This had me thinking she saw a better thing in me that I never saw myself.

Every time I look at the mirror, I see a different person; ugly and a parentless orphan who has nothing that is in anyway a diamond. I used to think nobody would ever want me and love me. My clouded mind accustomed me to class myself to a level below everyone else’s waist. But having a beautiful girl around me gave me a new hope. The feeling had always been different with her. I never felt like this before. She turned my world around and made it so colorful that to repay I could do just anything for her. I didn’t want her treat to go to a waste. So, as crystal as I remember, I have never let her down in anything she ever needed me for. Not for once I saw my insolvent conditions as any reason to stay away. Sadly, on that unforgettable night at her family home when she told me I was a pathetic looser and that I wasn’t her type however, this impressive world I’ve built around her completely crumple to ashes. My heart was torn apart.  

I don’t remember well how I got home. The Usual Magnetic touches of delightful pillows this time didn’t work; all seemed worthless. It’s 02:00am in the morning and I’m still up. I couldn’t go to sleep. Trying to figure out what went wrong had my mind exasperated. My blood kept boiling out and through every vein. It’s a displeasing whiff of setback from alongside that covered the whole night. I took a several bath, even tried a countless breathing exercises just to find ways in to have control over mind, yet to no avail. None of what I tried brought out a single glimpse. 

Turning south seemed pointless.  Looking up clutched me lost to an ocean of emptiness as this load beneath my neck weighed me to ground in wide grave of an outright darkness.   It was gruesome. I never knew trickles ran through and off my ears to the pillow. Huge vapors of hot tears drowned me as I struggled to keep my head above waters on an overflowed lake. That morning was soundless, yet it squeezed me firmly and silently to one fold. All my strength was gone, I was choked. It felt like the world was ending.  I was just at the verge of throwing myself off to a hanging cliff. Having me humiliated by the one I gave my life to and left crushed at the earth’s floor buried me forever.

Only two things were possible; either to let go her and start my life all over again or to just take my life and end all the pain that morning. The two wrestled through the discomfort of which one is now very clear that I chose it. It was honestly the hardest thing to do ever; to say “good luck” again to a person that I thought was forever mine had my heart torn right down in the middle. I couldn’t see perfectly to type those words as hot tears unceasingly collected around my eyes. My whole system rejected giving me the permission to let go her. 

It fought so hard to keep her still snug to my heart. ‘If I let her go, I would forever be hurt’ as I was reminded. To completely forget her was simply to take my life and it seemed a best option too. I actually tried at least once a lethal injection with a ½ inches syringe containing a mixture of drugs. Despite this polydrug use obviously, I’m still surviving and I have no explaining for how and why it didn’t work on me.

What a surprise, yet saddest day this was at waigani market? Some say ‘the world is too small.’ Do they mean people that we’ve crossed paths come around again, or do they mean it’s actually small? A pretty girl that I’ve ever known was long gone! The current was a million times different from what it used to be. I couldn’t believe what my eyes saw at waigani market. Just a few years and she became that? She looked pale and craggy. I had no idea where she got those mangles on her face? She lost her bums. It couldn’t even hold up a tiny flyer thigh she had put on to her waist. 

She came in her work uniform, which didn’t fit in well. Those electrifying sparkles of her eyes were long gone. She looked as if she just walked out of a highland-smoky house. I just wondered what happened; her swollen eyebrows reminded of a countless abused women and girls I see every day in social media. She had lost all her strength that she couldn’t balance up her poster at waigani market. It couldn’t even work when she tried with her usual smile. All that it brought was only a resemblance of sense of that simper when it used to be radiated from her charm within.

I was very angry at first; never wanted to see her face anymore. I remembered that unbearable pain I endured; those moments when my days turned dark and rained every day. Sadly however, that wave of sadness took over. Seeing a thoroughly different version of her in her looks troubled me too. All that beauty left her snug to a great vacuum. I replied her with a fluffy ‘hi’ and that’s it. I never dared to look. She asked how life has been at my end thoughtlessly and I gave her no reply. 

I quickly turned back on her and walked away. As a person who’s been around with me for a long time and that she understands very well of my weaknesses, she followed me out to the car park outside the market. She knows what it’s like when I’m angry & she has just the flattering remedy for it. This time she may have thought it’s just like always. Clearly, she forgot when and how we broke up and why.

She said she wanted a talk. She added that she missed me, or she misses us. Oh yeah, it was very clear now. No wonder she was so restless on facebook. So she actually had an emptiness within herself that she wanted to bring across to me?  She couldn’t message me through inbox though as I blocked her of conversations. She was only open to my friends list on facebook. Those restless blares became very clear now. She wanted someone in her life. Sadly however, that wasn’t me; I wasn’t her type and that she made it very clear when she broke up with me. 

Despite her attempts to talk with, I walked in straight to a taxicab and slammed the door shut. She wanted to jump in too but I asked the driver to lock all the doors. As she felt the doors couldn’t open, she stood still leaning to the taxi and allowed thick drops of tears off her eyes. She couldn’t say a word. I pulled down the glass to a bit lower and told her, “I never said good luck so you could come back and have it tried on me.” I told her I was busy mending a heart that was broken into pieces. I suggested it was better if she explored the world and find some guys who were of her type.  

She stood crying as we drove away. From then on, she’s never been on facebook. Maybe she’s gotten herself served better with a best one of her type already.

MORAL: This story may NOT actually be mine & I can’t let you know whose story it is too. But the moral of the story is; do not give someone a false hope! A person with ambivalent heart cannot make a quick promise to be with someone; or to say ‘you can’t make a promise that can’t be kept!’ The world is still full of mysteries. Stay detached until you’ve finally decided!

The Passion & Commitment of the author – YokAlip Kyak